born 10 March 1970

Christine Schultzberg, Stockholm, Sweden, juvenile actress

Christopher Lynch (died 10 October 2005), New York, New York, son of Richard Lynch

David Roomes, Toledo, Ohio, special effects supervisor

Gerard Gilroy, London, England, actor

Guy Nicolucci, Bangor, Maine, TV comedy writer

Ivan Laskin, Sofia, Bulgaria, actor

Jo Bailey, Melbourne, Australia, game show hostess

Joe Garden, Chicago, Illinois, Jackie Harvey’s inside source

Lauren Morrell, New York, New York, apprentice

Michael Hartel, Pompton Plains, New Jersey, location scout

Selma Alispahic, Tuzla, Yugoslavia, actress

Werner Schreyer, Vienna, Austria, model/actor

Did The Onion get less funny, or did I just get older? It has to be a bit of both. Oh how I loved that paper back in the nineties and early single digits! Every week, there was an eagerness with which I’ve anticipated few publications of any kind before or since.

One of my favorite features in those days was Jackie Harvey’s Outside Scoop, a breathlessly sincere phony gossip column, full of ersatz tips and dish long past its expiration date. (Much like this real-life Larry King column; wait, sorry, that’s also an Onion article. Confusing.)

I wish I had time to dig up a few of the best of those columns from eight or nine years ago. Few things I have read on the internet have made me laugh harder. I can tell you that the tone of those pieces even touched what I am doing here, to a degree. The sublime obliviousness of “Jackie Harvey”, the certitude of his ill-informed pose-striking, his succulent way with a malaprop: all of these were and remain an inspiration to me.

But I’ve fallen away from regular readership of The Onion, so much so that I was surprised to learn that the Jackie Harvey column is still an occasional feature. I assume that Today’s Winner is still the one who’s churning them out. Last week’s pre-Oscar roundup was a bit of a disappointment, if so. I think the problem is that the internet in general has caught up with and surpassed the Jackie Harvey concept: we’re all podunk pretend gossip columnists now. Be that as it may, thanks, Joe Garden, for services rendered unto humanity.