born 14 March 1970

Andy Robb, Exeter, England, actor

Brett Bell, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Fox Mulder body double

Carolina Blok, birthplace unspecified, Dutch soap opera actress

Cary A. Davisson, Clarksburg, West Virgina, Civil War reënactor

Dalibor Gondík, Sokolov, Czechoslovakia, game show host

Dave Angelo, birthplace unspecified, putatively Canadian porn star

Dave “The Archbishop” Smith, Flat Holler, Kentucky, skater/biker/repo man/monkey tender

Erdal Türkmen, Istanbul, Turkey, comedian

Haruka Saito, Hirosaki, Japan, softball player

Ivaylo Natzev, Sofia, Bulgaria, soundman

Jaime Méndez, El Paso, Texas, extra

Jan Sosniok, Gummersbach, West Germany, actor

Kristian Bush, Knoxville, Tennessee, male singer/songwriter

Marcelo Ferrão, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, documentarian

Mathias Klatchka, Uelzen, West Germany, writer

Meredith Salenger, Malibu, California, actress

Michael Hoffer, St. Paul, Minnesota, key grip

Michael Sonntag, St. Louis, Missouri, producer

Sabrina Culver, Cleveland, Ohio, actress

Sean Lake, Nelsonville, Ohio, extra

Let me stand up on my soapbox here for a minute.

Daylight saving time begins at two AM on a Sunday. Why? Whose idea was this? Don’t we prefer cheeseball spectacle at every possible turn in this country? Friends, a golden opportunity is being wasted.

Let’s say, as with the Electoral College and alternate-side parking regulations, that we accept the rather screwy logic that permits this institution to exist in the first place. And I do: I don’t object to the notion of stacking our balmier days to favor early evening sunlight. Here’s the problem. The act of springing forward bums people out. And ever since 2007, when the United States chose to extend daylight saving time so that it starts in mid-March, it’s technically not even spring. Ing. Forward. Anymore. It’s “late-winter-ing”, which is far less catchy.

It bums people out to lose an hour of sleep. It makes us cranky. It causes us to repeat ourselves unnecessarily (like writing “bums people out” in consecutive paragraphs). There are (shaky, yes, but actual) scientific studies that indicate the mismanagement of heavy machinery increases for the first few days past the changeover. Everyone dreads it, to one degree or another. They forget it. The often aren’t awake at changing time, so the resetting of clocks occurs in a haphazard fashion for days afterward.

Why, then, could we not do away with an hour of work instead?

I’m launching an internet campaign today. Next year, instead of the second Sunday in March, let’s take a look at the Friday of the first full week. Let’s pick a time in the late afternoon. It should be after the end of a traditional school day, but before the start of the traditional rush hour. Let’s say, hmm, let’s say 4:20 pm. That’s perfect. Let’s flip the clock forward an hour then. Boom! Happy hour. The happiest! I mean, it’s perfect. It’s an excuse for a party, but it’s also an excuse for the hardworking wageslaves and their hardworking bosses to get their asses home an hour early to spend time with their loving families.

We all know what 4:20 connotes now. This has nothing to do with that – except perhaps as a handy mnemonic. This has to do with taking one day out of the year to honor the fact that there are some things more important than regular working hours. This would make everybody feel good. This would preserve our sleeping patterns much more effectively. And dammit, this would just be fun.

Best of all, it requires no edict of government, and no money. It can happen organically, virally. All one need do is set one’s watch forward, and make no appointments on the Saturday after. I realize that wristwatches have fallen out of favor with the young, and that cell phones are controlled by robots from on high. But use your imagination, then: simply tell yourself it’s an hour later. By the middle of the weekend, it will be.

C’mon, which one you people born on this day is with me? I’m looking at you, Archbishop! Thanks, Winner.

And next year, on Friday 3/11/11, if you truly believe in all that’s right and industrious and free about our land, you’ll make it a point to leave work an hour early.