born 14 January 1970

Alyson Kirk, Waldwick, New Jersey, actress/failed dietician

Andy Freeman, La Mesa, California, child actor

Brad Martin, San Francisco, California, stuntman

Fabien Remblier, Paris, France, actor

Gene Snitsky, Nesquehoning, Pennsylvania, professional wrestler

Lorelei E. Miller, Orangeville, Ontario, props obtainer

Mehmet Polat, Diyarbakir, Turkey, actor

Michael Bunin, Norfolk, Virgina, actor

Mike Colón, Brooklyn, New York, "Jackass" affiliate

Suzanne Friedline, Jacksonville, Florida, actress/voiceover talent

Victoria Givens, Morgantown, North Carolina, porn star

Visa Koiso-Kanttila, Oulu, Finland, documentarian

The Huffington Post has its uses. I’m not so sure that comedy is one of them.

Partly, this may have to do with the ahumorous nature of the site’s founder. It’s been my observation that no recurring “Daily Show” visitor makes Jon Stewart squirmier than Arianna. The humor on the site tends toward half-hearted link-fishing-in-a-barrel. This feature, for example, promised so much more than it delivered. But folks, that’s your internet in action, I suppose.

Turning now to today’s contenders, we have yet another Turk: five in just two weeks! We have Visa Koiso-Kanttila, who against the odds is not female, and thus renders himself eligible for the booby prize for Least Gender-Appropriate Given Name. Also, if his business card does not bear the inscription, “I’m Everywhere You Want To Be”, he’s really cheating himself.

I’m choosing today's winner on the basis of a few piquant details unearthed by close scrutiny. For creating the role of Hot Butt in 2002’s Murderous Camouflage, all hail Suzanne Friedline, our deserving first runner-up. Her biography page, as well, builds to a small masterpiece of expository writing.

But Today’s Winner, for gruesome ambitions both fulfilled and unfulfilled, can only be Alyson Kirk. Happy birthday, dear.